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are there others like me? evil thoughts...


Posted by panther , Nov 14,2000,06:32 Post Reply    Forum
Hi!
I am a woman who has a couple of major fetishes, and some cross-over fetishes too. I have dated both smokers and non-smokers, and I never thought that much about it, either way, although I sort of enjoyed how one guy handled a cigarette. But that was about it.
This past year I have been dating a musician, who is real sexy. He didn't smoke when we first dated, neither did I, unless I was at a club or something. But sometimes last winter, he started up again, to lose weight, and reduce stress. At first I was disappointed in him. But....
It's so weird, the first time I saw him with a cigarette, and the conflict he experienced, of not wanting to get hooked again, yet already being so, gave me a real rush! Then when he kissed me, wow, the toxic fumes that emitted from his mouth and lungs was awesome!
What's wrong with me, that is supposed to turn me off! It started me thinking about his smoking a lot more, and well, almost a year later, I realize I have a full-fledged obsession over it! Here are the things I love about him and his smoking,,,,
I love how he smokes in a compulsive, desperate way!
That he is already a chain smoker..
The smell of the toxic fumes from his lungs
The lower, more hoarse voice he has now
Just anything that makes him see weaker from it
I luvvvv kissing him now!!!!
I feel so guilty about these thoughts, esp. when I fantasize about him and how much he is smoking...I worry I am sending negative thoughts his way. I am normally very spiritual! I'm not into s&m, but once I tied him up and lit a cigarette, and held it near him but smoked it myself and didn't let him have it when he needed it. I just love to see him, when we are somewhere and he has to wait longer than usual, and then he looks like an addict when he finally gets to light up!
I am smoking some too now, mostly when we're together...I am trying to resist it. I figure he must be in pretty bad shape, chain smoking 24/7
for an entire year! And yet that worries me, as I love him and I dont want to be evil!!!
Do any of you share some of these feelings? Am I in the right place? I just found this stuff tonight, couldn't believe it!

panther

 

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